I was utterly devastated when my dog got sick and passed six years ago, and still to this day feel that heart-wrenching pain whenever I see another dachshund trotting along side it's master. I had never been to a funeral, and never really thought about death until the past four months when my grandmother's battle of cancer turned for the worst. I have never experienced any close death in my family (other than my dog) for 21 years, until June 14, 2014. The past week was a roller-coaster of emotions, and when I was asked to say a little remembrance about my grandmother during her wake last Thursday, I wasn't expecting the downpour of emotions that suddenly befell me a few sentences into my speech. Here's the speech I wrote a couple days before her wake of 250+ attendees. I love you halmunee and will miss you always.
In loving memory | June 14, 2014
When I think about the very first memory of my grandma, there is one vivid childhood recollection that comes to my mind. It's of my six year old self, and my 3 year old brother playing legos and stuffed animals with our grandmother, and all three of us rolling on the floor laughing after she had made an unexpected funny comment. It is the very first memory that both my brother and I share of her. And although this memory may not mean much to anyone else beside myself and Ethan, what I cherish the most from this moment is our grandmother's laugh, her smile and her loving and constant care for us.
As I continued to grow up and as life changed through triumphs and struggles, one thing always remained the same, no matter how difficult or easy life was at any given moment, my grandma and of course grandpa were always always there for me throughout thick and thin, for birthdays dinners, graduations, weekend visits, vacations and every holiday in between. She was always by my side.
When I started college three years ago and lived on campus which was only 10 minutes away from my grandparent's house, my relationship with my grandma grew stronger. I missed her if I didn't see her for more than 2 weeks at a a time, and at many times chose to be with her rather than go partying at my friends requests. She would call me almost every week asking about school work and somehow always knew when to take me out to lunch or dinner when my refrigerator was coincidentally completely empty.
During those lunch and dinner dates with my grandma, she would give me life advice of how important it was to be fit and healthy, to try my hardest in school, to pray every night, and of course to keep a steady eye out for a future husband.
Even after my grandmother got sick and even when she was in pain, she would always smile the same smile I remember from my first memory of her 15 years ago. Now in rest, I know that she will continue to smile down upon me and all those she has touched.
The times I have spent with my grandma are memories that I will cherish forever. And even though there were so many times that I wish I could have talked with her more and could have expressed all the thought I wanted to say to her but didn't know how to in Korean, I am at peace knowing that she can now hear and understand all my past unvoiced thoughts, my current feelings, and future dreams.
Thank you halmunee for all that you have taught me, for your laughter, your smile and for being the best grandma a grand-daughter could ever ask for.
This bible verse from 2 Corinthians 4: 7-8 & 16-18 has always brought me comfort and hope it does to you as well:
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
I love you halmunee so much and miss you already.
